Nick Jacobs column on cats, yachts and pipes

NICK JACOBS
| The Daily American

Warning: This article may offend cat handlers, Wayne LaPierre, and bagpipers.

The other day I was mindlessly flipping through some crazy social media posts when I saw a request from someone who wanted a cat groom. My immediate reaction was, “I know a cat groom, his name is your cat.”

Seriously, in the entire animal kingdom, cats must qualify as some of the most meticulous snow groomers. I watched our cat do the marathon – self-grooming fur-licking sessions that went on for as long as the TV show that cat and I saw.

And do you only have a few minutes to go over the whole hairball phenomenon? It never ends. We do as much hairball medicine as catnip. That’s probably because she spends four of the 12 or so hours being awake and licking herself with that sandpaper tongue. She even does her own nails.

As it turned out, I was completely wrong about the cat keepers. There are half a dozen snow groomers in this area. It is a full occupation that I neither heard nor thought or even realized that it existed. Allow me a moment to offer my heartfelt apologies to the cat handlers in America.

I also have to admit that my immediate reaction to this profession has been a shock and pity, not for the cats but for the people who have chosen to be cat carers. Have you never seen Tiger King?

If I know what I know about cats, if they haven’t been barbarically scratched, if they don’t want to be groomed, the dog groomer will be badly wounded. You know cat scratch fever is a real thing.

In fact, if I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, our cat will try to lick my ankles to get me to feed them again. Then when the licking doesn’t work, she starts to gently bite me, which is a completely different type of catnip. That makes me jump around like someone walking on hot coals.

Needless to say, an ankle bite like this can create a very awkward situation for a grown man jumping around that immovable porcelain container.

This next accidental observation is about the notorious Executive Vice President of the National Rifle Association, Wayne LaPierre. I will not enter into personal views on guns, gun ownership, or our rights under the Second Amendment. Let’s just say I have a gun, but I’m not a huge fan of mass murders.

However, the observation I wanted to make was about a quote that reportedly appeared in relation to both the Sandy Hook shootings and the Parkland School.

During the recent NRA bankruptcy negotiations in Dallas, Texas, Wayne spoke freely about how he personally hid after those two school shootings for fear of something. Was shot.

Here’s the amazing part of the story – his hiding place was a 100-foot yacht. LaPierre testified: “The yacht was the only place I could feel safe. I remember getting there. ‘Thank God, I’m safe, no one can bring me here.’ That’s how it happened. That’s why I used it. “

His statement was followed by a tweet from a gun control activist: “The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good friend with a yacht?”

Finally, and I know this may be too early, this very non-confrontational bagpiper from Traverse City, Florida was approached by a hostile drunk while playing his bagpipes in a bar during a St. Patrick’s celebration. The drunkard approached the piper, threw insults at him, grabbed him and began to hit him.

The bagpiper sustained multiple injuries, including a large lump on his head, a bloody nose, an injured eye and a concussion. He had to go without work for a whole week.

After a visit to the hospital, the bagpiper changed his mind and pressed charges.

Nick Jacobs von Windber is a Senior Partner at Senior Management Resources and the author of the blog healhospitals.com.