Dear pretty pretty princess Meow Meow Jawsy Jaws,
Longtime reader, mowing here for the first time. I recently decided to leave my apartment in Torres’ Pothole Lofts and adopt a human. She is adorable and constantly wants to cuddle. But I am new to this and I have a human cause. Can you give me some tips
– Buddy Flower Peyton-Ravits, the People’s Prince of Dumaine Street
My dearest Prince Buddy,
First, allow me to congratulate you on your move. Pothole life is cool, but these things have always been around and they desperately need renovation.
So you’ve made yourself human. Many cats think that all it takes is to pick a house with lots of food, go inside, purr a bit, take a nap, and voila! Instant snacks and butt scratches for life!
Bipeds are a notoriously moody species. One minute they’ll all cling to you and grab you and insist that they worship your belly, the next they’ll throw you out of their front row seats for their nude wrestling match. Here, that old myth about keeping dogs is better than keeping people. Because while they are equally stupid, they are ceaselessly predictable and loyal.
Personally, I prefer the clumsy posts to dogs. At the very least, people keep their drooling to a minimum and you don’t have to worry about getting slapped in the face with their weirdly big cocks all the time.
The first few days of your relationship are critical to the long-term success of your new life together. There are two words to keep in mind: patience and improvisation. Let them guide you as your human and you will get used to each other and I can promise you many years of indifferent happiness.
First time human property and moving around are extremely stressful and given humans’ inability to speak properly, it can be difficult to convey to them. So you should pee on everything first – including the litter box you probably bought.
People particularly like the smell of cat piss and will hunt wildly around a house, sniffing anything in sight with their noses on the underside. Once they find it, they will start screaming. Scientists believe that this is their way of lamenting the ruined state of your nerves. A few days later, they will be tailored to your emotional needs, and you will be ready to use that wonderful new litter box.
You will also find that your human comes with a variety of prepackaged items that are perfect for sharpening your claws. Of course, they still don’t understand that you need a variety of posts, scratching posts, and other gadgets to be truly happy. So by all means go to town, whatever comes in handy. Couches and studded pant legs are especially nice, as are curtains until better options arrive. If you have made a good decision, your person will buy a large scratching post with lots of scratching posts and perches.
That brings us to sport – of course not for your people. They are extraordinarily violent in their training, with all kinds of limbs spinning and bouncing around. None of this is your concern. Rather, you need to make sure that you are getting adequate fitness equipment. Again, the language barrier is a problem, so I would like to suggest a few options. First, find a cup, preferably made of glass or porcelain, that is filled with liquid. Walk over to him casually and deliberately while your human is in the room. It is important that you make eye contact with them and then immediately knock the cup off the surface it is on. This is how people communicate a need for exercise items.
Once your needs are identified, next let them know what type of gear you want. After all, you can’t read, so just writing an email is not enough. Here’s what I did. I prefer my toys to either have a crinkley sound or be plush. For crinkle devices, I pulled an old piece of plastic wrap under his bed. I positioned it low enough that he couldn’t reach it and right under his pillow. I would wait several nights in a row until it was asleep and then start pounding and chewing on it. I also did a big show where I practiced kickboxing with one of his socks and a sandal on. Over the weekend, I had a variety of plush toys filled with foil and my home gym was ready.
One final health tip: get all of your recordings. Man is only full of serious diseases and parasites. As you know, it was for this reason that they spent an entire year in the house. So you should go to the vet as soon as possible to make sure you are safe from them. Also, they often have tasty snacks in their offices.
Finally, a few words about your relationship with your new person. People are naturally needy. A recent study at the University of Catington’s Whiskers Super Kitty, 3rd Center for Human Research, suggests that bipeds are only outdone by golden retrievers in their attachment. Of course, this can be a challenge for cats. We live life as God intended: distant and yet curious, distant and yet demanding. The way she designed us.
So you need to be prepared to be a bit … handy. It will hug a lot. And unfortunately kiss. How much you can handle is a matter of personal preference, but with the right training and a lot of patience, your human can be broken. The key is to set clear boundaries. For example, my human has learned that while I will greet him with a touch of the nose, he must under no circumstances kiss my head. After all, I am a king.
He’s perfectly trained now, so much so that I can just look at him from across the room and he instinctively knows he has to come, heel, sit and scratch my ears. I can also call him with a simple meow to get me food, open a closed door, refresh my drink or constitutionally prepare my afternoon catnip.
Of course he’s a very, very good person.
– Pretty pretty princess Meow Meow Jawsy Jaws
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